Sovereign Synthesis

I’ll get us started. I’m looking forward to seeing other suggestions in this regard!

(if you’re a guy)

Let’s say a male GL is at the mall or park or some other public place checking out LGs.

How does he get away with scoping out young female pulchritude without arousing too much suspicion?

Easy. He pretends to be gay!

“I’m just totally in awe of your fabulous fashion sense, sweetie! Oh my Gawd, you are sooooo totally dressed to the nines.”

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, you want to give this a go. Some advice. This is most effective if you plan ahead and wear an earring in your right ear. Babble at length about Barbra Streisand and interior decorating. Wear pink. (Sure, loli poon is pink but you don’t have to mention that to everyone you meet.) Prance around like Richard Simmons. Lisp a little so you can live a little!

As long as retarded stereotypes have so much currency, why not use them to our advantage?

This should work fine if you’re alone. If you’re with open-minded female friends, even better. If they’re also into girls, if needed, they can try the “fabulously fashionable” alibi on for size. Surely you can be an actual gal – and not a drag queen – and still dig fashion!

(another option if you’re a gal)

(Stop looking at the LG’s ass for a moment and look into her eyes.)

“Are you sure you’re okay, dear?”

(Then turn to the nearest group of adults.)

“Hey, guys! I’m so glad you are here to help. I thought I might have seen some signs of child abuse. I’ve done a lot of volunteer work helping out kids. I know what to look for. And to look for signs of sexual abuse, you have to look… well… down there, y’know, where the sex happens! By the way, did you see that episode of Oprah about the woman who runs the soup kitchen and shelter for runaways? Uh-huh, that one. She’s my role model.”

Huntington Beach, Calif.
SURF-TV, Channel 8 News
Hump Day Ratings Drive

In a controversial verdict, a Huntington Beach, Calif. jury found Meyer “Lansky” Polanski, alleged crime boss of the Westside Beach Bears, classified as a pedophile gang or mafia by the Federal Bureau of Investigations, not guilty of three counts of conspiracy to cause a minor to experience an orgasm, a Class XXX felony in the State of California. The jury of seven women and five men agreed with the argument by defense counsel that because the minors in question are identical triplets and their combined age is over the age of consent, the defendant was not guilty. Each of the triplets was under the age of 13, but their combined age was equivalent to that of a woman in her mid-thirties. Law pundits called the defense’s argument “innovative,” “ingenious,” and “totally radical, even badass.”

Polanski had been facing up to fifteen years in a maximum security penitentiary. Previously he had also been facing a charge of one count of production of child pornography and one count of possession of child pornography, which together could have added up to five thousand years onto his prison sentence. However, after police took a closer look at the alleged child pornography photograph and saw that it was a picture of a cloud, these additional charges were dropped. “It’s a false alarm, and that’s bullshit, man,” complained Detective Robin “Pink” Mason, as he tossed back his mane of sun-streaked hair. “Waking up at five A.M. to a real alarm clock is bad enough.” The child pornography charges had resulted from a tip from an internet poster going by the name of “Snitches,” corroborated by another poster with the pseudonym “Violet (NOT THE ONE FROM PRETTY BABY HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PERVERT?!) Leaves.”

“That pedo mobster got off! I hate when pedos get off. Dirty filthy nasty pedophiles,” Violet pouted to Channel 8 News. “I need to get back to researching all the ways pedos get off with innocent rosy-cheeked little girls. It’s so gross and disgusting that I love to read and write about it all the time,” she moaned. She groomed herself with a very large hairbrush. “If I don’t groom myself, the pedos will groom me. I won’t let them get away with that.”

Members of vigilante groups Absolute Zero Intelligence and Perverters of Justice staged protests from several locations, all over one hundred miles away from the court house. MC Xavier of Perverters of Justice was unavailable for comment. His spokesperson told Channel 8 that Xavier was in intensive care after being assaulted in Compton, Calif. during a freestyle rap battle in which he dissed the late Michael Jackson as a “boy-lover with a white penis even smaller than mine, yo, you rappers with 14 y/o hos, don’t tempt me to play with my nine.” The outspoken activist, more often described as a con artist and attention whore, suffered a concussion and three broken ribs in the assault.

Alleged members of the Westside Beach Bears who had gathered outside of the court building in a show of solidarity with their legendary crime boss were in an exuberant mood. In celebration, they tossed around gang mascots called “pedo bears” and shouted “5000 Penises!,” a pedo gang slogan discovered by none other than Oprah. Female gang members enthusiastically shouted slogans such as “Don’t forget our Five-thou Clits too!” A pleased Polanski, pedo-smirk on his face, greeted his partners in pedo gangster life as he swaggered out of the building, flashing pedo gang signs and triumphantly chomping a cigar despite laws against smoking on public property. Thousands of pedophile gang members gathered outside the court house were pleased to return the favor, flashing back pedo gang signs familiar to criminologists and members of internet vigilante groups. Intimidated locals tended to keep low profile. “He must be, shall we say, connected, to be able to get such serious charges dropped just like that. Trippy!” whispered a man who identified himself only as X.

Nearby, a group of neo-Nazi surfers waved hand-written signs in protest. “Man, if you really look at their sites, they don’t all call themselves pedo-philes. Some of these dudes admit to be hebe-philes. They love hebes. Hebes! That means they love Jews. They’re part of a Jewish conspiracy, and we’re not going to take it anymore, man. They got a serious attitude problem trying to control the world like that!” The young neo-Nazi, simultaneously a surfer dude who sported a surfboard emblazoned with a swastika, gave Channel 8 a thumbs up. “We’re boycotting kosher pickles. It’s a good start, dude,” he shrugged.

“Those racist guys are that brave only ’cause they’re on crystal meth. Don’t let the surfer look fool ya. Everyone’s a surfer here. These guys don’t do reefer like most surfers, they do crystal meth. When the meth wears off they’ll go back and hide in their mom’s basement,” X whispered.

Good evening, loyal listeners. Thank you for tuning in to tonight’s show, uh, podcast. We got new software and it’s going live! Real time it says. Better than fake time I guess. This is Dr. Pastor Honorary Supreme Commander with Fifty-Seven Purple Hearts Richard Little. I’m with Stop the Exploitation of Children through Heroics and Salvation (SECHS). I would like to take a moment to thank our sustaining subscribers for your donations, your very helpful money, and your concern for children, and the very helpful money you send in. We accept VISA, Mastercard, Discover, Diner’s Card, well-concealed cash, coins, we don’t give a fu… I mean, as long as we get money, we’re happy with your help. Send to Dropbox 989798, Mail Forwarding Inc., Green Hermit Hill Boulevard, St. Vincent and the Grenadines. We need it… we need you! Praise the Lord and remember that Bible verse about protecting the little ones, you know, that one. The most important verse in the Holy Bible, bar none. Keep it close to your heart. We need you to help us help abused children all over the world.

As anyone with a shred of moral decency knows, corrupting the innocence of children is the worst crime on earth. It’s so bad it makes the Holocaust look like, well, child’s play. Hell I’d rather all the oceans get polluted by raw sewage and depleted uranium, than one child be polluted by filthy sweaty sex. Tonight, I’ll be interviewing a young girl who was forced into child prostitution at sixteen years of age, until she was rescued by the police thanks to a tip-off by one of our own loyal listeners! Thank you, Tom! By now you should have received your exclusive prize in the mail. It’s an autographed pair of chastity panties with a cross hand-sewn on the, well, a certain area between the legs, which will help keep the purity of your daughter intact. See, crosses aren’t just decorative, they scare off evil spirits too, the kind of evil spirits that might tempt an otherwise-innocent girl into sex. We know a girl wouldn’t ever really want sex, the desire always is imposed from somewhere else… Her innocence can be corrupted by a human predator, usually a forty-year-old man with a bushy mustache, who most often drives a large van but sometimes one of those old Japanese-made trucks which make that weird noise when you’re starting them up. Or sometimes it’s a predator that’s a demon, or some kind of unclean spirit. It’s complicated stuff that I understand with absolute precision but can’t really get into much right now. Anyway, back to our interview. The young girl, this so recently rescued victim of child sexploitation, is getting patched through into our podcast, patched through from a cell phone. She’s named Janine. So let’s get started. That’s a beautiful name, Janine.

Janine: It’s the stage name I used as a stripper. Thanks, I like it too.
Little: *clears throat* Well, actually, I can’t say I like it that much. I got the name mixed up with something else.
Janine: It was the strip club owner’s idea.
Little: Well, to be God honest, I really hate the name. It sounds trashy. But I’m sure you’re a sweet innocent girl. Or were. It’s such a God darned shame you got forced into sexual slavery at a disgusting strip club.
Janine: Huh?
Little: They forced you into that.
Janine: They did?
Little: I’m glad you’re coming to terms with the hell you were put through. Slowly but surely.
Janine: Uhmmmm… I was having fun. I got to be sexy and make money at the same time! I’m really mad that I can’t do it anymore.
Little: If you had fun why are you angry, little one?
Janine: Look, I don’t know why I got the invitation to call you but you’re kinda… you’re starting to creep me out.
Little: Well, I can understand perfectly why you’d be creeped out, after being put through all that sexual abuse as a child. I can understand why you’re angry.
Janine: I’m creeped out by you! Your voice and the way you’re talking to me, it’s weird, and you’re not making sense to me. I’m pissed that I can’t strip anymore. Now I have to wait two more years! That’s a long time to wait.
Little: Well, I’ve read how they, the molesters, the pedophiles, they groom young girls into thinking they like it. I guess you’re a victim of that grooming process, in addition to a victim of the sex abuse in and of itself.
Janine: Uh… I’m not going to be ashamed of being pretty. I’m pretty. I like to show it off. ‘If you’ve got it, flaunt it.’ You know? At the club I could get paid for it. That’s the best. I was lucky my older sister had a friend who worked there, who could take care of my papers. My paperwork. The owner is strict about ages. Most people… like my dad… my mom… my aunt… don’t like their jobs. I had a chance to make money doing something I love! That was the shit!
Little: That’s no way for a young girl to talk.
Janine: Fuck you! Did you have something to do with me losing my job?
Little: Well, uh…
Janine: You did didn’t you?
*pause* *Janine seems to be whispering to someone off the phone*
Janine: You’re going to be sorry, you motherfucker.
Little: I can see you’re bitter. They turned you into a sex object. They stripped you, uh, literally, of your humanity. The man who forced you into this, I hope he’s going to spend the rest of his life behind bars, where he belongs.
Janine: What man are you talking about? It was my idea! Didn’t you, I dunno, research this? Like at all? *sighs* Before having people call me?
Little: Denial is something you’ll grow out of, eventually, healing is a process, a slow process. It takes some time. The police will find every last man responsible, every evil man who sucks away the innocence of helpless girls like you.
Janine: Come visit me. I’ll show you how helpless I am.
Little: My dear… *awkward pause* Justice will be done!
Janine: Are you retarded? The case already got settled. The guy going after the club, well, he had skeletons! Skeletons in his closet.
Little: I guess you don’t want to be on the air, you stupid little slut. We’ll just cancel this episode. You think I’ll be sorry? You’ll be sorry. We’re going to find you and you won’t ever be able to strip again. You won’t be pretty anymore.
Janine: Didn’t you say this is all, like, live?
Little (muffled): Isn’t there a delay?
…”I don’t think so, not with this new program you got…No, it’s already out there. You fucked up man. That’s… about twenty five hundred people listening. I told you we should have tested this you stupid piece of shit…”…
Little: God damn it.
*pause*
*clicking noises*
*GUNSHOT*
Little dies of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Janine: I’m going to cry all night!

[Parody of rap classic Gangsta's Paradise. Enjoy!]

(Babysitter)
You want to tell me what this is all about?

(LG)
As I crawl to my toybox where I stashed my Sea Pea
I take a look at my pink key but realize I need to pee
‘Cause I’ve been drinkin’ dis grape juice so long
Ever since my mama left to play ping-pong
But I ain’t never tinkled on her floor if she didn’t deserve it
Back when she bought me Sierra Mist I never woulda missed, fool
Ya betta watch before ya trip on me, missy (ho)
I might get more than a little pissy (yo)
‘Cause I’m a pretty LG but I ain’t too prissy (fo’ sho’)

I really need to breed before I bleed
Wearin’ pearl necklace beads of creamy seed
I’m da LG all da little lolis wanna be like
On my knees in a thong
(That’s right)
Sayin’ prayers for a phat dong
(All night!)

(Phat P)
Been spending most their lives
Livin’ in a LG’s paradise (x2)

Keep spending most our lives
Livin’ in a LG’s paradise (x2)

(LG)
Look at the situation with LG chasin’
Fools wanna “protect” me with “proper” raisin’
Yo, yo
Tellin’ me I can’t say yes to a sex life (oh no!)
So I gotta be down with a Sea Pea team
Down low
Too much Lazytown watchin’ got me chasin’ dreams
I’m an educated starlet with money on my mind
Got my Bratz in my hand and a gleam in my eye
I’m a tricked out Little G, precocious banger
My panties is down so don’t be a stranger
Cummin’ ain’t nothin’ but a heartbeat away
I’m livin’ da life of a loli, what can I say
I’m a preteen now; will I be caught before puberty
“We don’t know, Little G, we’ll just have to see.”

(LG Ensemble Chorus)
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That I really do want you to touch me

(Phat P)
Been spending most our lives
Livin’ in a LG’s paradise (x2)

Keep spending most our lives
Livin’ in a LG’s paradise (x2)

(LG)
Glamour and the money, money and the glamour
Now I’m a big little star; I started just a cammer
From NN into a life of sin and I’m lovin’ this
At the center of attention in such sexy bliss
Fools say I gotta learn
To have “respect” for my body
But they can’t respect what I want and need
So they disrespect me!
Can’t they see that I want you to touch me?
I don’t want no abstinence ed, will they get it through they head
I know sex gets me high
I’m not shy and I already know I’m bi
That’s how I know what I’m taught at school’s a lie, fool

(Phat P)
Been spending most our lives
Livin’ in a LG’s paradise (x2)

Keep spending most our lives
Livin’ in a LG’s paradise (x2)

(LG Ensemble Chorus)
Tell me why are we so blind to see
That I really do want you to touch me
[rhythmic sighs and moans]